This day 10 years ago I wrote a letter to God and to this day I carry it around with me in my wallet. It’s not a superstitious thing. I just like having it in my possession. Before I get to the contents of that letter, I’ll take you back briefly to the 30 years before.
I grew up in a Christian home, a pastor’s kid in fact. I am so thankful for this privilege and grace in my life. I really didn’t know a day without Jesus. I grew up going to church. I was taught to honor the Lord and was trained up in His Word. This was a foundation more precious than gold. For my childhood, things were smooth and I felt safe, protected and loved. When I was a young teen, I was sexually abused by a male teacher over the course of a year. My life took a pivotal dark turn. I felt shame and guilt. I was depressed. Being an adolescent, and in this situation, I felt feelings I didn’t even know how to process. As I marched onward through my teenage years I had a hard time trying to navigate through my feelings. I did the best I could. I felt devalued. An innocence was lost and I carried a lot of shame. The way I coped was through intellectualizing everything.
Through my early 20s, I went down a road of bad choices, and destructive behavior. Simply put, I rebelled. I knew better, and I just didn’t care. It wasn’t until the dawn of my 30s that I realized I could no longer resist the grace of God. God was wooing this prodigal back home.
I began to read and study. I desired truth and I wanted to be back in that loving and protected place that I had walked away from. I happened upon, by the grace of God, a workbook by R. C. Sproul called “The Holiness of God” and I looked him up on the relatively new YouTube and I found the video series that went with the workbook. I woke up every morning and watched those videos and filled out my workbook and my mind was being transformed.
I had been trying to be holy on my own, but I very quickly realized that was unattainable and I just gave up and gave in to sin. The “Holiness of God” book and specifically Isaiah 6 taught me, holiness is only found in God. For the first time I really understood grace. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.” I realized, yes, I am a wretch, but Praise be to God he doesn’t accept me based on my righteousness, but Jesus’ righteousness and His sacrifice on the cross. It is by His grace that I am given new life and restored fellowship with God. I realized the utter poverty in my soul and it was clear to me how God was accomplishing within me the work he had already begun in me long ago. After a few years of the Lord really working in my heart and bringing me back to Himself, I woke up on Sunday morning Aug 12, 2012 11:42 A.M. and I wrote out this prayer to the Lord……
“Father God in Heaven,
Holy, Holy, Holy, You are Holy! I will praise you forever. In all that I do, I want to glorify you. You are my life, my love. I want always, your light, to shine brightly through me, so that I may not be seen, but only You!
It is not my will, but yours. I am your child, lead me through the good times hold me up in the tough times. Be my rock and my comfort. Thank you for loving me, for forgiving me, for taking me in from the cold.
Whatever this life has in store, I will walk with you. This life is meaningless without you. I will return to your feet to get another step closer to your presence until the day that I am fully transformed. I long for that day to know you in all your glory! And until that day, I will press on.
In Jesus name!
It is only by His grace that I stand. Thank you Jesus for rescuing me.
This is my testimony, my story and I share it to testify to the power of the risen Savior and to declare the good news found only in Jesus. He brought me to life and He will do the same for you.